artificial insemination

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Donor search

Published April 1, 2013 by Ramblings of this dyke

This has been the most difficult part of this journey so far. That was a surprise to me, if not a shock. The honest truth is, I thought since men squirt in condoms, toilet papers and bath towels every day then why wouldn’t they give that squirt to me in a jar, instead of throwing it away? Why would men have any attachment to that squirt? My naive self thought , who wouldn’t want me as the woman who will bear their  offspring? Of cause a baby in not made just of sperm only, so I quickly came back to being the rational Lioness that I am. I realise how admirable that the modern is more conscious of what that squirt goes, after all. As much as that meant a very long rough road is ahead of me, but somehow that made me hopeful of the world my child will live in. There was hope after all.

I had a “list”. I wanted my donor to be an engineer/scientist, not religious, intelligent, education level, healthy, doesn’t do drugs, have a good heart, someone who cares about the environment, doesn’t mistreat animals, so no hunters, he couldn’t be more than 4 years younger than me, he didn’t have to be a politian but had to be aware of what is going on around the world, he had to be a a good father if they already have children, ethnicity was important and he had to be disease free. Looks were not very important to me. As trivial as some of the things on my list were, they were very important to me. Though I wanted a donor that will not be involved on the day to day, or a donor to support me financially or emotionally or otherwise but I wanted some who will be contactable when the child turns 18, should the child want to meet them. So I wanted someone who shared the same values as me, which will be the values my child will be accustomed to, someone my child can be proud to of, the day they meet them. I wanted an exemplary human being.

My search began 2010, I knew for a fact I didn’t want to use the sperm bank route. The search started with my close male friends, then moved to not so close friends, then moved to friends of friends.  I didn’t think my list had any qualities out of the ordinary, I still don’t. But unfortunately a year went past, I couldn’t find a donor.  The gentlemen were either too young or too white.  I live in a country where being coloured is a politically correct term. I live in a country where there’s a difference between being coloured (bi racial) and being black. I live in a country that is obsessed with race. I didn’t want to burden my child with all that. I didn’t want stares when I walk at the mall with my child.

My other surprise was that a lot of men expected me to sleep with them in order to conceive. The fact that I was a lesbian was a non-factor. I suppose, I could have if I was someone desperate. But after tasting the breasts of a woman, I never planned to hook up with a guy ever again. Some say, “never say never”. However, this is my NEVER.

2011, I met a gentleman through Facebook. He was my perfect donor. He fit my criteria 110% except he was not an engineer but he was a business science major. For the first time, I forced myself to reconsider.  After gathering some courage, I finally asked him and also insisted for him to ask for his wife’s permission first.  She had recently been married to the love of his life. Three months after getting married, they started to try to conceive. A few months later, they did. But unfortunately they lost the baby before 14 weeks. He was devastated. I cannot even imagine how his wife felt. A few months went by; they both gained emotional strength day by day. They took a decision to try and conceive again, and fortunately they did. The first 5months everything was perfect, my donor used to say. His wife was getting more beautiful by the day. I was happy for them; I was excited for this beginning of this journey for them. Then beautiful sunny spring day in October, I received an inbox from my would-be donor. His wife had suddenly passed. There was blood, he rushed her to hospital and it was too late. He was shattered, not only had he lost a child, he had lost the love of his life. My jaw dropped, I froze, I swear my heart stopped for a second. How can this be? How can she be taken away from her husband like this? I sat there in front of my laptop sobbing uncontrollable. I didn’t understand. Whether there will be a day I would understand, I wasn’t sure. At that moment it was an impossible task. Thank goodness he had a supportive family and his in-laws were amazing. They all supported him all the way through this horrible sad time. I decided to give him sometime so he can grieve his wife without me hanging on the radar hoping to get his sperm. It was Jan 08, 2012 when he crossed my mind. I posted on his Facebook wall, the message read, “dude I miss you where are you?” A few days went by with no answer from him. This was a unusual to me, because he was a Facebook addict just as I am, if not more. A week later, I received an email from a gentleman who said he was my donor’s brother. The message read, ”We buried ****  this past Tuesday, he passed on a motorcycle accident Jan 08th ”. This cannot happen, my mind went blank, and my whole body froze and then I started to shake. I realised that this was the same day I posted on his wall. I began to wonder could that have been the exact moment of his passing. We are all connected somehow.  I had my headphones on; the song that was playing at that moment was The Dance by Dave Koz. This is one of my favourite songs of all time. This song has become tribute song to the man that would have been my donor. I started to cry uncontrollably, not this, not him. No no no, he doesn’t deserve this. His family don’t deserve this.  What about my sperm? The selfish animal instinct in me began to emerge. What am I going to do now? It was at that moment, in the midst of all those internal rambling thoughts, it dawned to me. He has gone to be with his wife, he is at peace now. For a person who calls themselves an atheist most times, this for some reason was comforting to me. I had no right to be angry to be angry, his journey had ended. It was just not meant to be (whatever that means). I had to compose myself, I had to mourn him, I had to celebrate his life. He was a great human being, what an honourable man he was, I was honoured he invited me into his life.

I then took a yearlong break from search. It was in Jan 2013, when I resumed my search again. I spoke to my friends, interviewed a few gentlemen. None of them were the right fit. I then did something I never thought I would do. On January 13th I registered on http://www.co-parentmatch.com/ . By the next day, I woke up with a message from a gentleman who was interested in being my donor.  Jan 20th I had a business meeting in his town, so I called him and asked if we could meet. He came to my hotel room. He had brought proof of his qualifications, HIV test results and sperm count test results. Off cause I was not going to take his word for it, especially when it came to HIV tests. I had brought with me two rapid tests to detect HIV antibodies. Those results came out negative, I was relieved. I then booked the gentleman for a blood test, to test for HIV and other diseases. In two weeks, the results came out clean. He was the “one”, he became the one who has been generous enough to give me a reason to live again. The one who is kind enough to help me realise the family I have been dreaming of. Did I mention he is white? All of a sudden my list didn’t matter anymore. I didn’t care how his skin colour looked like, what I cared about was that was the beginning of my journey. I was over the moon, I am still over the moon with excitement.

“Be the change you want to see in the world”- Mahatma Ghandi

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